For those of us who are fond of parodying idiocy, one of the great hazards of life is the high rate of self-parody by idiots. An excellent example is a recent report out of the United Kingdom of an important first in human history.

I’m not talking about the first Hindu Latina astronaut to be acting second officer on the space shuttle – although such historical firsts are important. No, I’m talking about the important attempt by the “fastest eco boat on the planet,” Earthrace, to be the first biodiesel-powered watercraft to set a speed record for circumnavigating the globe – using fuel made from liposuctioned human fat.

Now how the heck am I supposed to write a joke about this that’s funnier than the actual event? Sometimes exaggeration is simply impossible. As a matter of fact, I once considered writing a column on the possibility of man-blubber as biofuel and discarded the idea as too ridiculous even for parody. I now see that when it comes to the current mania for biofuels, “too ridiculous” is a difficult point to reach.

The truly sad thing about the fuel being used by The Good Ship Lipopop is that it is at least as practical as corn ethanol. As pointed out by Tad Patzek and others, making ethanol from corn actually consumes as much energy as it creates.

In contrast, a bushel of corn fed to an already overweight adult can be expected to be converted into folds of cellulite-sweet crude with a remarkable efficiency – far surpassing any feed conversion efficiency ever recorded for farm animals. Much of the feed consumed by cattle or swine is used up building muscle, nerves, bones, blood and all the other tissues that have to be in place before fat can ever be accumulated at all, but every adult on Earth has already grown all that stuff at his own expense. There’s really no entry cost: Fritos go in and white gold can then be sucked out. It’s not like watching TV while waiting for your government stimulus check burns up a lot of energy. We’re talking near 100 percent conversion rates.

Not only are there millions of human biofuel factories currently lounging around just waiting to convert corn into rump, but many will actually pay for the extraction procedure themselves. And before we ever have to worry about converting current corn into future man-blubber, there’s already a huge stockpile in place. The average American is 24 pounds heavier today than in 1960 – and it’s not because we all got big-boned. Since each five pounds of fat has the energy equivalent of a gallon of ethanol, that means that there are 1.5 billion gallons of ethanol equivalent waddling around America right now. We’ve got a strategic potbelly reserve equal to four months of ethanol production! It’s like a new strategic petroleum reserve.

Just imagine the possibilities if thigh-o-diesel becomes a Congressionally subsidized program – as all truly good ideas must be if they are to succeed on their own merit! No more worrying about vending machines in school cafeterias; soon there’ll be a bowl of chips and sweets on every pupil’s desk. But only if those sweets are made with high fructose corn syrup or highly subsidized cane sugar from Louisiana. We can’t have any of that evil Brazilian sucrose messing up our quest for independence! Have some more soda and then see the school nurse for liposuction, kids, the summer driving season is coming.

The possibilities in America are truly weighty – I estimate there could be 20 gallons of ethanol equivalent in Al Gore alone. And Ted Kennedy could produce enough high-octane man-blubber/ethanol blend in just one extraction session to power his Buick clear across Nantucket Sound! But man-blubber sources are increasing the world over. Obesity is now so common that even many of the world’s poor suffer from this disease of affluence. The whole world could be a biofuels fat-farm.

In the name of green fuel, certain conventions will have to be turned on their heads. Treadmills will replace SUVs as the new emblem of selfishness and waste. Girls will begin to fear gold-diggers are attracted to them only because they are so fat. Super-sizing your fries will be seen as patriotic.

Will all this happen? Fat chance! But it’s still a better idea than corn ethanol.