As we all know, global warming is a seriously real, really serious problem. I know it’s serious because it matters to celebrities, and they’re famous! Famous people know more than regular people and they are always a good source of advice on scientific and political issues. It’s not like they all got famous just for being attractive or obnoxious. In fact, almost everything I know about fighting global warming I’ve learned from celebrities.

I summarize this wisdom below, with a few improvements of my own.

1 Take public transportation. Nothing makes the earth cry like individual ownership. That’s why I take public transportation whenever possible. It’s not really possible when I am driving around town, because my car won’t fit on the bus, so I don’t use it for local trips. But when I am not able to drive, I take public transportation. For example, as I write this, I am sitting in business class on a Swissair flight headed to Zurich. Swissair is a transportation service affiliated with a government it therefore qualifies as public transportation. Sure, I could be selfish and try to drive myself to Switzerland in the comfort of my own car – but that would contribute dangerous private emissions to the atmosphere. I’m traveling in a group in a subsidized vehicle an Airbus A340, just as a good citizen should. Plus I get chocolates.

2 Protect plants, nature’s carbon sinks. Until someone invents a more expensive technology, plants remain the only known way to pull large amounts of carbon dioxide out of the atmosphere. Plants must therefore be protected at all costs. The most famous plants are in the rain forests, but those famous plants are already protected by famous people. That’s why I concentrate my efforts on less famous plants: grasses and their defenseless unborn progeny, grains. I don’t eat plants. Any broccoli or asparagus I murder at dinner has sunk its last carbon in the battle against global warming.

Instead, I eat herbivores – the natural enemies of planetsaving plants. Eating a single cow can save enough grass to offset the carbon footprint of an entire vegetarian buffet. Eating veal carries the extra benefit of getting to the cow before it has ever had a chance to murder even one blade of innocent grass.

3 Use biofuel. Killing plants hurts the environment, except when killing them to make biofuel. Biofuel should not be questioned. The best biofuel is ethanol, because it comes from the Iowa Primary region. That’s why I try to use a lot of ethanol. In fact, I am on a sort of ethanolfueled trip right now, since we get free drinks here in business class. Beer and hard liquor are your best bets to connect with the cleanburning renewable energy of the Farm Belt. Wine should be avoided. Not only is wine made from grapes, not grain, but it seems sort of foreign. We’re about energy independence here.

4 Recycle. New stuff makes the Earth die, so you should try to reuse old stuff. If you recognize some of these jokes from previous articles, remember, it’s because I care about the planet.

5 Conserve energy. Doing stuff makes the Earth die, so I try to do as little as possible. Like a celebrity, it’s important for me to lead by example. If I were to get up and clean the house one day, the heat I might generate would force the air conditioner to work that much harder to keep my house at 65 degrees. The planet is in peril, and the Discovery Channel is on. I can’t be asked to do a lot more than watch.

6 Carbon offsets. If you do something bad, just find some people not doing it and figure that you’ve been canceled out. That’s the lesson of carbon offsets. For example, while it’s true that I am traveling overseas right now a bad thing, I am told, even with my use of public transit, I did leave my wife and kids at home. They are offsetting four times as much carbon as I am emitting, especially since I turned the A/C up to 80 before I left.

Sure, it may look like I’m selfishly having a steak and cocktail on an expensive international flight. But that’s just what saving the planet, celebritystyle, looks like. Ah, the life of a carbon warrior. More biofuel, please.