Those lyrics may not seem quite right to you just now, but if Russia’s Vladimir Putin has his way, we might all be singing “Rudolph the Red-Owned Reindeer” this Christmas. That’s because everybody’s favorite post-Soviet strongman recently made a remarkable discovery: it turns out he owns the North Pole – which is contained in one of two enormous swaths of international territory (together, fifteen times as large as the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge) now claimed as part of Russia.

In a remarkable coincidence, this fresh (if frozen) frontier contains, by some estimates, more oil than Saudi Arabia.

And keep in mind that Russia is not claiming to have seized this area; it’s claiming that it’s actually been part of Russia all along – but nobody knew, since it is only connected to Russia under the ocean. You know, the way that North America and Europe are actually connected by all that land under the Atlantic Ocean.

I suspect that Santa Claus and his elves may soon know how the Indians felt in 1492. Rumor has it that Putin is preparing to move against the exploitative “toy oligarch” any day now.

The announcement of a greater Russia came soon (remarkably soon) after Russian scientists returned from an expedition aboard a nuclear icebreaker and reported that the 1,200 mile Lomonosov Ridge under the Arctic Ocean is really, actually, basically pretty much like and fairly near the Siberian continental shelf, and so is owned by Putin. I mean, Russia.

Russia is expected to make its official claim before the U.N. Commission on the Limits of the Continental Shelf shortly, but at least one Russian newspaper (which, like the scientists who made the discovery, is not in any way controlled by Putin) has already printed a map showing the area as a “new addition” to Mother Russia (a generous woman always so willing to adopt just one more wayward province and/or neighboring country). Russia made a rejected claim to much of the same territory five years ago, before it even knew how geologically entitled it truly was.

The other four countries bordering the Arctic (Canada, Norway, Denmark, and the United States) have all expressed shock and dismay at the suspicious discovery. But before we reject Russia’s claim outright, I would like to point out that much like Russia, we too might be connected to huge tracts of Arctic territory by previously unknown undersea land bridges. If the United States were to lay claim to an undersea 51st state, which I believe we should call “Alaskatlantis,” then with it we might gain trillions of barrels of oil and gas that we could immediately declare off-limits to ourselves as part of the Alaskatlantis National Wildlife Refuge – thus securing the future of our energy dependence.

Hmm. Looked at that way, perhaps the best shot at unlocking all that Arctic oil for American companies and consumers would be to just give the place to Russia and see if they, unlike the American government, might at least let us bid on the project. After all, it is better to have bid and lost than to never have drilled at all. Let us look to the Northern Czar for guidance!

Another advantage of Putin’s discovery is it will give him lots of experience ruling empty territory – and unpopulated land is the future of Russia, which is in demographic collapse. With a fertility rate of just 1.25, more abortions than births, rampant emigration of impoverished and demoralized citizens, and a declining life expectancy (now lower than India’s or Iraq’s), Russia is losing population at a rate of about 700,000 per year. By about 2020, Russia, once a mighty superpower, will have fewer people than Mexico (assuming that all of Mexico hasn’t moved to the United States by then). In 2005, Russia’s GDP dipped below Mexico’s.

Clearly, Putin is a leader with his priorities straight. While his own house burns, he busies himself trying to sneak the fence a few feet over onto his neighbors’ property. It has been said that power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Now Russia and Putin have taught us that the corruption of power lasts long after the power itself has gone into steep decline.