Once again, a wacky, divisive, leftist president is nationalizing industries for political gain.

No, I’m not talking about Barack Obama, but that other wacky, divisive, leftist, president, Hugo Chavez. (Although I can understand how that first sentence can be confusing.)

Chavez’s regime recently announced that it will nationalize a fleet of 11 drilling rigs belonging to Tulsa-based Helmerich & Payne, an evil capitalist corporation that threatened Chavez’s revolution with the totally unreasonable and anti-social act of asking to be paid $49 million owed to it by PDVSA, Venezuela’s state-owned energy company.

Asking to be paid for one’s work is clearly not in the best interest of socialism, an obligate parasite that depends for its survival on a subset of people working like brainless milk cows without full and fair pay, so Chavez decided to slaughter the obstinate cow for beef.

In a normal world, in which the US had a president and Congress that saw themselves as defenders of American-based businesses in the international arena, such blatantly unjust nationalization would provoke a vigorous response – or at least a strongly-worded press statement. But that sort of thinking is so pre-globalization. And besides, the feds are much too busy mobilizing against Arizona to take on Venezuela.

But since we don’t live in a normal world, I would like to make a modest proposal: seeing as Obama likes to nationalize businesses so much, why not nationalize one that’s already nationalized (by another government)? Obama should nationalize CITGO, the US arm of PDVSA. Perhaps two leftists can make a right.

This proposal is not nearly as radical as it sounds. Consider the following:

The $49,000,000 that Helmerich & Payne is owed by PDVSA can be neatly paid by seizing PDVSA assets in America and turning them over to Helmerich and Payne. I figure $49,000,000 translates to like 200 CITGO stations. But just for good measure, Helmerich & Payne should probably be given every CITGO station in Oklahoma. The other 49 states Obama can keep for himself. He can even list their employees as jobs “created or saved” at Recovery.gov.

This bold act of domestic re-nationalization of assets will allow Obama to engage in two of his favorite pastimes: pretending to have the interest of American businesses at heart and expanding government power over the shrinking private sector.

And for CITGO station owners, essentially nothing will change – they will continue to do business with a clueless Marxist as de facto owner, and they will continue to be embarrassed every time their owner makes news. Really, all that they will need to do is switch the “O” on the “CITGO” signs with a red, white and blue Obama logo. This could probably be done with just a big sticker, thus saving the stations the cost of new signage.

This nationalization of the already-Venezuela-nationalized will also give Obama control of numerous CITGO refineries in the US. Obama can then use these to pursue not only vote-buying revenue, but also his own social agenda – just like Chavez! Obama can use the fuel oil they produce to continue to prop up any Democrat in Congress that will apologize on his behalf (just like Chavez!) and he can also add his own special touch to CITGO’s policy mission. No doubt those refineries will soon be charged with making politically-conscious petroleum distillates, such as “Care-O-Sene” the fuel that does absolutely nothing to prevent carbon emissions or promote energy independence, but it shows you care! You could even get a free bumper sticker with every fill-up: “I Care How I’m Seen. I Use Care-O-Sene.” Other product ideas: “I-Hate-Gasoline,” the fuel you can use in good conscience because you criticize it on every receipt; “Super-Righteous Unleaded,” the gas made from certified fair-trade crude; and “Free Range Biodiesel” the only diesel blend made only from cage-free soybeans.

As an added bonus for Obama, the huge CITGO sign at Fenway Park can double as a giant yard sign for Obama’s re-election bid. Won’t that put the fear of Barack back into those Scott Brown voters!

To be honest, however, I must admit that nationalizing CITGO might cause some serious conflict with Venezuela. For example, after the inevitable falling out between Obama and Chavez, who would get custody of Sean Penn, Danny Glover and Oliver Stone? One would like to think that maybe they could remain civil enough to work out a joint custody agreement, but in truth we all know that such things seldom happen. I just hope this won’t put Sean, Danny, and Oliver in the awkward position of having to choose.

Let’s just get a judge involved right away and decide what’s in the best interest of these Children of Two Revolutions. Perhaps they could continue to live in the US but visit Venezuela for important holidays like Simon Bolivar’s birthday, May Day and anti-Flag Day.

In all seriousness, I do think that legal attack of PDVSA assets in the US is an interesting option for US companies that have had their assets unjustly nationalized by Venezuela – especially if they can bring a civil case before a jury seated, say, in Okmulgee. Worse lawsuits have been won.